My fitness journey

I've struggled with weight my entire life. I was overweight a good share of my childhood and early teen years, suddenly swinging in the other direction the summer before high school when I became anorexic. Years later during my recovery I realized how much damage I had done to my metabolism when I got into a relationship with my now husband and stopped starving myself. 

With the support of Urian I began to eat healthy amounts again. I ate fairly healthy, and while I didn't eat a ton I did eat several times a day without purging. I was so happy, and by the time he proposed in the winter I was the weight my doctors had suggested for me. I wasn't skinny anymore, but I was a healthy weight and I felt comfortable with that. When I went wedding dress shopping I fell in love with a simple, yet beautiful, dress. I was slightly smaller than the sample size it came in and was able to buy it off the rack. I had never felt more beautiful. 

Over the next few months I didn't even notice when my weight gain continued. I was eating healthy and working out, so I suppose I just didn't expect it. I only noticed when my clothes were no longer fitting well, and that's when I started feeling distressed. It was only a few months before my summer wedding at this point and the weight was refusing to come off. I struggled to continue eating healthy as I realized it would take some time before my body was back to normal and healed from my eating disorders. I almost relapsed thinking it was the only way to get my body back. The only thing that kept me from that was the knowledge that there may not be a wedding if I relapsed. 

My wedding day wasn't spent feeling beautiful and loved. I was too busy feeling embarrassed and depressed. Years later I still can't look at my wedding pictures without mourning the way I felt it should have been. I hate those pictures of me. I promised myself that some day I would lose the weight and we would have a vow renewal where I felt beautiful. A day I would be able to actually enjoy. 

Soon after that we found out I was pregnant. At first I was very depressed about it, only able to think of how much weight I was going to gain and how I would get even uglier. I did end up getting excited about being a mommy, but I continued to feel depressed about my body for the entirety of my pregnancy. I gained 20 pounds while pregnant, and I had actually lost that two weeks after giving birth. 

In becoming a mom I stopped taking care of myself almost completely. I did shower, but I didn't pay attention to my hair and I dressed only in sweats and baggy shirts. I had almost no self esteem, and in trying to distract myself from my depression and self hate I decided to pretty much just forget about myself. I didn't enjoy life at all, and after about 18 months it became clear to me that being this way was impairing the way I mothered and stopped me from being a good wife. I needed to make a change.

My change started with paying attention to the way I looked. I got a hair cut and started wearing real clothes again. I even did my makeup some days! I felt an incredible change when I started doing this, and decided to move on to the next step. I added exercise into my daily routine and the weight started coming off faster than I expected! My body had healed a lot since before my wedding,  and I felt hope again. I started feeling alive again instead of just existing. 

People I knew noticed a big difference in me, and it wasn't just my weight loss they noticed. I was told how much happier I looked, that they noticed a glow in me. Whats more is that I felt the change! I had more energy and my mood was lighter - I felt happier! 

So far I've lost about 60 pounds, and I'm not finished yet. While I'm still not at my goal, I'm not in a big hurry to finish. This is a lifestyle change I have committed to, not simply a diet. I do my best to eat as healthy as I can, and I focus on portion control. I haven't really eliminated foods from my life, I just use self control in how much of it I eat. I also enjoy exploring new and healthier foods. I found out that I really like green smoothies, almonds and vegetables! I find myself craving the healthy foods more than the unhealthy. 

I have found that it's incredibly triggering to lose weight, and I have a hard time knowing the difference between what is healthy and what isn't. I lean heavily on my doctors to let me know what weight would be healthy for my body instead of making weight goals myself. I weigh myself almost daily, and have found myself skipping meals once in a while. It's still a bit of a war between myself and my eating disorder - but it's one that I am determined to win! My goal used to be to be as small as possible, no matter what the health consequences. Now I'm working towards strength and being healthy! It's an amazing difference, and something that makes me happy. 

This is simply the beginning of my fitness journey, the first chapter that will shed light and understanding on my next posts on this subject.  I look forward to sharing this with you all!