Now I'm going to need to warn you that going forward in this post there are going to be several triggering images.
When I was struggling with Anorexia and Bulimia I was a frequent visitor of what is called 'Pro Ana' websites. On these websites you could talk to others going through the same thing, and the topics were very rarely ones that encouraged recovery. There were things like the ABC diet, a diet lasting 50 days consisting of 5 fasting days and 45 days where you're given a number of calories (anywhere between 100 and 800). The ABC diet is designed to trick your metabolism by switching up the number of calories day to day so that you can lose a lot of weight quickly.
Anad.org says "A person trapped by the cycle of behaviors, often keeps most of their thoughts, activities, and fears carefully hidden. During this isolation people succumb to the need to feel like they are part of a community, even if it is an online community – that is when these websites are the most toxic." The intrigue of these sites, as well as the instagram eating disorder community, is that you aren't alone in your disorder. It's another example of misery loves company, and only fuels the addiction and abuse. You feel as though it's you (and the community) against the world, as though this group of people are the only ones who really understand and increases distrust in recovery and doctors. You feel cared for, and held accountable when you post pictures of everything you eat. It takes the healthy dieting advice of keeping a food journal and takes it to sick extremes.
Part of what worried me most on these posts was body check pictures. Pictures anorectics and bulimics were taking of themselves, usually with ribs and bones showing to share their progress and usually with a caption in which they called themselves fat or lamenting the fact that they hadn't lost as much weight as they thought they should have. I would scroll down to the comments and see people commenting their jealousy and saying that it was their goal to see their ribs like those in the pictures. There was a lot of glamorizing going on in regards to what an eating disorder looks like.
For those deep into their disorder and those not wanting to recover my words wont do much. My only hope is that maybe somebody who isn't too far in, or maybe is somebody who is contemplating recovery, will read this and see how damaging an eating disorder really is. For me, by the time I realized I was doing more than simply dieting I really didn't care about the physical ramifications that would accompany my actions. If somebody told me about a drug that would help me lose weight, but would also, lets say, make my eyes bleed, my only thought would be 'Yeah... but it will make me lose weight?'. No matter what damage it would do to my body the only thing that mattered was that it would make my fat go away. While I still battle thoughts like this, I do genuinly care about my physical health. I wish I had cared about what I was doing to future me when I was in the deepest parts of my disorders.
You see, even years after beginning my recovery journey, there are still signs left over from my eating disorder. On my left hand, especially when it's cold, you can see the scars and callouses left from purging. It isn't something that effects my daily physical health - but it isn't something I am proud of. Bulimics often have sores in their mouths and hands caused by stomach acid and from your hand scraping against your teeth. This is called Russell's sign. While the open sores have long since healed, at this point I'm not terribly hopeful the scars will ever go away.
If you really want to mess up your teeth, bulimia is the way to go. I tried to pay extra attention to my teeth when I was participating in disordered eating, but the damage was still done. I was probably lucky I didn't get more damage, and I still have all of my teeth. Yet I get a lot of pain when eating or drinking, especially if the food is very hot or very cold. Probably the only cosmetic sign you can see when looking is that my teeth appear thinner than the average person's. This is because of the stomach acid eating away at the enamel. If you look very far back in my mouth my oral surgeon also mentioned there are a few cracks due to weakening of my teeth. In the future I will likely have my teeth capped, but at this time I can't afford it.
Probably the most serious of damage I'm left with now is scar tissue in my throat from constant tearing and ulcers in my stomach and gastric polyps. I've had many endoscopies, and will have many more in the future. My eating disorders put me at a high risk for throat and mouth cancers, esophogeal collapse and a whole array of stomach problems (many of which I already experience). A few years ago I had to be put on a handful of drugs to try and treat the damage done, or at least slow it down from progressing to the life threatening problems. The medications didn't help much and I decided to go off of them a couple of years ago. The picture of the blood above this is a picture taken only a couple of weeks ago when I developed a cough. While I no longer purge, the damage to my throat is permanent. If I cough, or god forbid get a stomach bug that makes me vomit, the scar tissue in my esophagus will often open back up and bleed. This is very dangerous, obviously. I worry a lot about my throat collapsing.
Left over from both purging and starving, I have heart problems. I get a lot of heart pain both when I exert myself too much and when I lay down. Sometimes the pain is so intense I can't get full breaths or move. It's very scary when this happens, and sadly like a lot of the other things caused by eating disorders there is no fix it that my doctors have found.
Last, but not least, is stomach pain. Years later I continue to battle a sensitive stomach. If it isn't a food I'm used to, or if I eat more than I usually do, I'm left in pain for a day or sometimes two. Forget letting go and stuffing myself at Thanksgiving, if I eat too much the food will unvoluntarily come right back up or leave me with cramps. It isn't a bad thing to practice portion control, I just wish it was an option instead of a must.
Now that we've brought the reality of these disorders to light many of you are probably asking yourself what the solution to the websites and communities on social networks. The sad part is, I don't know as if there is one. We can shut down the websites and instagram can (and does) try to remove content or accounts that continuously post this content - but it is a never ending cycle. People will create new websites and new accounts, the pictures and forums will continue to exist. We can try to tell our stories, or to let them know that it really does get better with recovery, but the people who are posting on these accounts are often too consumed in what they see as the truth to believe you. I used to go around commenting on these pictures, or trying to help the people posting. It left me discouraged, left in the realization that literally nothing I said could change somebody who wasn't ready or willing to change.
I once was in contact with a teenage girl asking questions about recovery. I messaged her and we communicated for several hours, I let her know of my medical situations and how even though I thought I could never be happy or let go of my EDO I really could. And now life is worth living, it's beautiful and amazing to be alive. She seemed encouraged, telling me that what I said really gave her hope. Not two hours later she was posting 'Screw recovery' and saying that she was going to fast for three days. Words can't cure people, it has to come from inside of them. I do hope, however, that sometimes the things I said come to mind, that sometimes the truths I told her combat what lies her anorexia is telling her.
It's a long hard road hoping stories like mine do help people. I hope some day there is an answer to the questions I have on how to help. The only thing I know to do is to raise awareness. I hope parents know that these communities exist, and that it doesn't make you a bad parent to monitor what your teenagers are doing. I hope those same parents, or friends, know that even if the help you are giving (whether it be hospitalizing the patient or simply not enabling them) makes the person angry that it may just save their lives in the end. I told my parents I hated them. I refused my dad's visits in the hospital for weeks. Yet when I was brought back into a healthy state of mind and ready of accept recovery and the help given, I had nothing but gratitude.
I hope in some way this and other blogs help.
You have helped me remember I should be grateful every day, that there are people like you-who have it much harder, and still find ways to give. Also I like your writing style!
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