Damage

I was on Instagram the other day when I decided to to click on the hashtag #eatingdisorder. What I saw was disturbing. There were pictures of deep cuts with people commenting things like 'Love it!' and 'Goals <3'. People sharing tips on how to starve yourself, or what will help you throw up the biggest amount of food. To anybody who hasn't struggled with an eating disorder or self harm it's hard to understand why people are doing this.

Now I'm going to need to warn you that going forward in this post there are going to be several triggering images.

When I was struggling with Anorexia and Bulimia I was a frequent visitor of what is called 'Pro Ana' websites. On these websites you could talk to others going through the same thing, and the topics were very rarely ones that encouraged recovery. There were things like the ABC diet, a diet lasting 50 days consisting of 5 fasting days and 45 days where you're given a number of calories (anywhere between 100 and 800). The ABC diet is designed to trick your metabolism by switching up the number of calories day to day so that you can lose a lot of weight quickly.

 Anad.org says "A person trapped by the cycle of behaviors, often keeps most of their thoughts, activities, and fears carefully hidden.  During this isolation people succumb to the need to feel like they are part of a community, even if it is an online community – that is when these websites are the most toxic." The intrigue of these sites, as well as the instagram eating disorder community, is that you aren't alone in your disorder. It's another example of misery loves company, and only fuels the addiction and abuse. You feel as though it's you (and the community) against the world, as though this group of people are the only ones who really understand and increases distrust in recovery and doctors. You feel cared for, and held accountable when you post pictures of everything you eat. It takes the healthy dieting advice of keeping a food journal and takes it to sick extremes. 

Part of what worried me most on these posts was body check pictures. Pictures anorectics and bulimics were taking of themselves, usually with ribs and bones showing to share their progress and usually with a caption in which they called themselves fat or lamenting the fact that they hadn't lost as much weight as they thought they should have. I would scroll down to the comments and see people commenting their jealousy and saying that it was their goal to see their ribs like those in the pictures. There was a lot of glamorizing going on in regards to what an eating disorder looks like. 

For those deep into their disorder and those not wanting to recover my words wont do much. My only hope is that maybe somebody who isn't too far in, or maybe is somebody who is contemplating recovery, will read this and see how damaging an eating disorder really is. For me, by the time I realized I was doing more than simply dieting I really didn't care about the physical ramifications that would accompany my actions. If somebody told me about a drug that would help me lose weight, but would also, lets say, make my eyes bleed, my only thought would be 'Yeah... but it will make me lose weight?'. No matter what damage it would do to my body the only thing that mattered was that it would make my fat go away. While I still battle thoughts like this, I do genuinly care about my physical health. I wish I had cared about what I was doing to future me when I was in the deepest parts of my disorders. 

You see, even years after beginning my recovery journey, there are still signs left over from my eating disorder. On my left hand, especially when it's cold, you can see the scars and callouses left from purging. It isn't something that effects my daily physical health - but it isn't something I am proud of. Bulimics often have sores in their mouths and hands caused by stomach acid and from your hand scraping against your teeth. This is called Russell's sign. While the open sores have long since healed, at this point I'm not terribly hopeful the scars will ever go away.

If you really want to mess up your teeth, bulimia is the way to go. I tried to pay extra attention to my teeth when I was participating in disordered eating, but the damage was still done. I was probably lucky I didn't get more damage, and I still have all of my teeth. Yet I get a lot of pain when eating or drinking, especially if the food is very hot or very cold. Probably the only cosmetic sign you can see when looking is that my teeth appear thinner than the average person's. This is because of the stomach acid eating away at the enamel. If you look very far back in my mouth my oral surgeon also mentioned there are a few cracks due to weakening of my teeth. In the future I will likely have my teeth capped, but at this time I can't afford it. 

Probably the most serious of damage I'm left with now is scar tissue in my throat from constant tearing and ulcers in my stomach and gastric polyps. I've had many endoscopies, and will have many more in the future. My eating disorders put me at a high risk for throat and mouth cancers, esophogeal collapse and a whole array of stomach problems (many of which I already experience). A few years ago I had to be put on a handful of drugs to try and treat the damage done, or at least slow it down from progressing to the life threatening problems. The medications didn't help much and I decided to go off of them a couple of years ago. The picture of the blood above this is a picture taken only a couple of weeks ago when I developed a cough. While I no longer purge, the damage to my throat is permanent. If I cough, or god forbid get a stomach bug that makes me vomit, the scar tissue in my esophagus will often open back up and bleed. This is very dangerous, obviously. I worry a lot about my throat collapsing. 

Left over from both purging and starving, I have heart problems. I get a lot of heart pain both when I exert myself too much and when I lay down. Sometimes the pain is so intense I can't get full breaths or move. It's very scary when this happens, and sadly like a lot of the other things caused by eating disorders there is no fix it that my doctors have found. 

Last, but not least, is stomach pain. Years later I continue to battle a sensitive stomach. If it isn't a food I'm used to, or if I eat more than I usually do, I'm left in pain for a day or sometimes two. Forget letting go and stuffing myself at Thanksgiving, if I eat too much the food will unvoluntarily come right back up or leave me with cramps. It isn't a bad thing to practice portion control, I just wish it was an option instead of a must. 

Now that we've brought the reality of these disorders to light many of you are probably asking yourself what the solution to the websites and communities on social networks. The sad part is, I don't know as if there is one. We can shut down the websites and instagram can (and does) try to remove content or accounts that continuously post this content - but it is a never ending cycle. People will create new websites and new accounts, the pictures and forums will continue to exist. We can try to tell our stories, or to let them know that it really does get better with recovery, but the people who are posting on these accounts are often too consumed in what they see as the truth to believe you. I used to go around commenting on these pictures, or trying to help the people posting. It left me discouraged, left in the realization that literally nothing I said could change somebody who wasn't ready or willing to change. 

I once was in contact with a teenage girl asking questions about recovery. I messaged her and we communicated for several hours, I let her know of my medical situations and how even though I thought I could never be happy or let go of my EDO I really could. And now life is worth living, it's beautiful and amazing to be alive. She seemed encouraged, telling me that what I said really gave her hope. Not two hours later she was posting 'Screw recovery' and saying that she was going to fast for three days. Words can't cure people, it has to come from inside of them. I do hope, however, that sometimes the things I said come to mind, that sometimes the truths I told her combat what lies her anorexia is telling her. 

It's a long hard road hoping stories like mine do help people. I hope some day there is an answer to the questions I have on how to help. The only thing I know to do is to raise awareness. I hope parents know that these communities exist, and that it doesn't make you a bad parent to monitor what your teenagers are doing. I hope those same parents, or friends, know that even if the help you are giving (whether it be hospitalizing the patient or simply not enabling them) makes the person angry that it may just save their lives in the end. I told my parents I hated them. I refused my dad's visits in the hospital for weeks. Yet when I was brought back into a healthy state of mind and ready of accept recovery and the help given, I had nothing but gratitude. 

I hope in some way this and other blogs help. 

The grass is greener on THIS side

I hear people say 'The grass is always greener on the other side'. However, when I was in the NICU with Micah, a few days after he was born, I pondered that saying. Looking around that hospital made me realize just how green my own grass was. My son, while quite ill, was born with all of his limbs. He took a breath after he was born, and we were never told that he was going to die.

Now, two years later, I realize that Micah (like most babies) is the best example I know of having a positive attitude. He continually seems unphased by much of what goes on inside of his body. His only wish in life is to move and explore, and to him there's no reason he shouldn't be able to. Unlike most of us, he doesn't let things get in his way or drag him down. Sure, when Curious George comes on the TV when he was really wanting to watch Sesame Street he gets a little upset. But how would it be to have so many health problems and trials in life, yet to have the attitude that the worst thing going on in that moment is that Elmo isn't singing?

When Micah was in the NICU I will overcome with worry for his health, and grief for the situation. It was easy to feel down while basically living at the hospital and seeing him so sick under the lights. Micah, however, was one of the happiest babies I had ever seen. I had never realized how much personality a newborn could have until I was his mom. He had a surgery which confirmed the news that he had Long Segment Hirschsprung's Disease, yet a few days after the painful surgery in which he received his colostomy he smiled his very first smile. This is when I basically kicked myself in the butt and felt so incredibly stupid for focusing on so many negative things. After all, he was the one going through all of the pain and being effected first hand. If he was strong enough and determined enough to be such a happy baby, then what right did I have to let this diagnosis consume us?

He came home from the hospital when he was a month old. Much of my time was spent researching his disease, and figuring out the very best way to care for him. Hirschsprung's Disease was such a big part of my life during this time. Micah, on the other hand, didn't even seem to notice the intestine that was sticking out from his abdomen. He did all of the things normal babies do, and loved seeing and exploring everything he could. All through those months of having skin ulcers, failure to thrive, and serious infections, he smiled. He didn't seem to have any comprehension of the many health trials he continually had. In fact, the only thing he disliked in life was bath time. Typical boy.

Time for surgery rolled around, and while he didn't enjoy any of the procedures that came with being in the hospital he never seemed to dwell on them. He would be unhappy and cry in pain when things were happening, yet as soon as they were over he would be smiling again. One night his heart monitor started going crazy as he lay happily in the crib. He was so calm and happy the nurses thought it must be a monitor problem, it took them listening to his heart and calling in doctors to even be convinced there was a problem. Of course, when they realized something actually was happening they did get very serious and worried for him - but because he was so content it took a while. All during the EKGs and his heart rate climbing to 311 he simply coo'ed and laid in his crib.

Skipping ahead to more recent events, Micah has had 8 confirmed cases of enterocolitis in his 2 years of life. Colitis is an extremely painful, very dangerous problem. The most recent time it was hard to get him diagnosed because he would be screaming in agony, and then by the time we would get him to the hospital the pain had subsided just enough for him to be his playful little self. He would literally be in the emergency room with a bloated belly, throwing up everything, and at the same time he would be watching tv and playing. We were told multiple times that he was much too happy to have enterocolitis. This all ended in him becoming seriously ill, with an alkeline phosophate level in the thousands, with a huge stomach. We went in for an appointment with our regular surgeon and he was lethargic, throwing up, flushed cheeks and unresponsive when touched and spoken to. She hospitalized him immediately upon seeing him, yet that same night nurses were commenting on how happy he was. Throughout his week long stay I had to repeatedly be his advocate when surgeons (ones who weren't his regular assigned surgeon) would take one look at him and say he wasn't sick enough to be hospitalized. I would have to point out his lab work and explain his personality before they would agree he needed to be there. It was exhausting racing to the hospital early each morning, needing to be there before the surgeons did their rounds to assure he wouldn't be released prematurely as he had been for the past month.

Even today, as I spend over an hour on the phone with the surgeons office trying to get answers for why several times a week he'll refuse a meal and then scream until his face is bright red, unable to pass stool until pressure has built and he's doubled over with cramps. I speak on the phone while he dances to the music playing on Elmo in Grouchland, seemingly unaware that anything is wrong in the world. Because Micah lives in the moment in ways I can only dream of and work towards. 

 I don't mean this to come across as though Micah is always perfectly and incredibly joyous. He does have his struggles, and like anybody he feels pain and reacts to it. Micah has struggles I can't even comprehend, because I have been blessed enough not to have these problems in my own body. There are times I cry because he's in such obvious pain and I feel helpless with no way to take it away. My point in writing this post is that, yes Micah has incredible trials in life - but those struggles are not what define him. He doesn't LET his physical setbacks define him. He shows me every day that we are all much more than the cards we are dealt. Micah isn't Hirschsprung's Disease. Micah is pure energy and curiosity. He is strength and laughter, somebody who loves it when other people laugh. He's the little boy who calls me mom and will stop playing just to come and give me kisses. He's inspiration, a little boy who sees the world as a magical happy place instead of letting any bad experiences he's had cloud his vision. When I sing 'You Are My Sunshine' to him at night, there are no truer words. Micah is pure sunshine.

I wonder at what age it is we start to let negativity consume our worlds? When is it that instead of noticing all of the wonderful things in life, we instead dwell on the few bad things?

When I grow up I want to be like Micah. Living in the moment, and letting each trial pass naturally without holding on to them. Knowing pain, but choosing joy. What an amazing way to live that would be.

Awkward Mommy Encounters

The text came in at approximately 10:30 on a Friday morning.

     Hey so we're going to the park with some other mom's around noon if you and Micah want to come.

This is what I had been looking for. My chance at getting into the group of moms from around the neighborhood (a must if I ever wanted Micah to be invited for play dates and make friends). Now to respond. Don't sound too excited or weird....

    Awesome :) sounds fun!

I got ready, wearing a flattering shirt and pants.... not that I was trying too hard or anything. Right before leaving I also made sure to drag a comb through Micah's hair, he always has a patch in the back that sticks straight up no matter what I do. We leave ten minutes before noon to be sure at be there right on time.

When we arrive I only see one mom there, I assume the others are late. I don't recognize this mom, but usually the park is vacant so she must be here for the same group. I sit next to her while Micah runs off to play.

"It's great that we can get together like this. Usually nobody is here so I wonder if there's something wrong with this park and I'm the only one who doesn't know... hopefully we can get the kids together more often!"

She walks away. She wasn't part of the group and had no idea what I was talking about.

Ten minutes after noon nobody has arrived, and even the other mom who was there had gathered her kids up, her eyes darting nervously in my direction, and left. I decide I must be at the wrong park, I should really hurry to the other one near our neighborhood. I really should have asked which park....

I get about 3/4 of the way there when I see it. Moms on parade is headed my direction, looking amazing in their designer yoga pants and their high end jogging strollers. They've just spotted me. I quickly turn around and act as though I had been walking that way the whole time. Maybe they didn't see me. I hear them calling my name, but pretend I didn't hear. Acting as though I wasn't the most awkward human being on the earth I arrive at the park (once again) and casually pretend to just now be noticing them.

I feel like the biggest derp on the planet and text my husband.

    Aaaand I went full awkward turtle.
    This is why I'm not invited places! THIS IS WHY I CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS!!!!
    They know I'm not one of them! Abort mission!

My husband is still laughing hysterically at these....

I walk over to my friend, the one who had invited me. We talk about the kids and that goes well. I then notice that I hadn't gotten the message that this was a picnic lunch thing.... I spend the next half hour chasing after my son (whom I had fed before we left home) who was running from kid to kid trying to beg cookies off of them. He was putting all of his energy into this begging - even I was starting to believe I starved him (I don't)!

This is about when I decide I should call it a day and leave before I make a bigger fool of myself. As I'm leaving one of the other moms is very nice, making small talk and saying goodbye. Don't be weird.... don't be weird....

Oops, too late. I notice I'm petting my son like a dog while I'm talking to her.

Stop! Stop petting him! People are giving you weird looks, oh why can't I stop?!

Finally I leave.

I don't think I'll be invited anymore.



   

DIY wolf tail

I have a little sister (age 11) who is in love with all things animals. She is always making animal things to wear, so of course I had to try this craft with her! I'm having her do most of it, with my help, to get a good idea of how ideal it would be as an activity with kids.

 Materials Needed

     Yarn of your choice

     A comb, brush, or pet brush

     Scissors 

     A chain or clip you can use to attach to your pants

     A straightener 

Step One:

   First you're going to measure out how long you want your tail to be and then double back on that length, without cutting the yarn, until you have 12 pieces. 

Step Two:

  Cut the string connecting your loops to your ball of yarn, and then tie your loops together at one end. On the opposite end cut the end of your loops to make it possible to braid. 

Step Three:

  Braid your yarn, leaving enough room at the end to tie it at the end. 

Step Four:

  Comb out the end of the yarn until it looks like this. 

Step Five: 

  Wrap yarn around your hand until you've done 12 loops loosely around your fingers. Cut the string, and then tie a smaller strand of string connecting all of your loops. 

Step Six: 

  Cut the opposite end of your loops. 

Step Seven: 

  Comb out the strands. They're going to be curly, which leads us to....

Step Eight:

  Using a straightener set to a moderate heat, straighten out your yarn. Brush it out again after this step. 

Step Nine: 

  Tie the yarn at the top of this piece to the bottom of your braided yarn. 

Step Ten: 

  Repeat this process until your braided section is covered. 

Step Eleven: 

  When you reach the top, attach your chain.

And Enjoy!!!!

Thoughts: The process took about four hours in total. We didn't do it all at once, and even though it took quite a while she enjoyed all of it. I would say this craft is for preteens with a lot of patience, teenagers, and adults. This would be something enjoyable to do while watching TV or having family time. She is in love with her new tail! We would do this again. 

Is the CDC sending the wrong message?

This afternoon while watching a show online a commercial came on. This commercial was the newest in a long line of commercials the CDC puts out about the dangers of smoking. At first I didn't pay close attention, but then something caught my attention. The woman in the commercial began talking about stomach problems caused by her smoking. It was then found that she had a tumor and needed some of her colon removed, resulting in her need for a colostomy. She speaks of how having a colostomy means loss of control, smelling bad, and the need to hide away at home giving up a normal life. 

Now, I understand where she is coming from saying these things, I really do. As the daughter of an amazing woman with two stomas, and the mother of a Hirschsprung's baby who needed a colostomy for four months I have witnessed the toll it can take on everyday living. However, is this really the message I want shown to my son who may, one day, decide to return to having an ostomy because of the digestive problems that come with his disease? I have such mixed feelings on this commercial, and here is why.

1. The message it sends to those with an ostomy. When my son grows older he may decide to return to having an ostomy. He has Long Segment Hirschsprung's Disease and has battled many digestive problems and infections that it comes with. IF he does choose to live with an ostomy I don't want him to feel as though he is being punished for being different. I also don't want him feeling as if he should be hidden away from society. My mom struggles a lot with her self confidence as a direct result of having her ostomies. She doesn't like to go outside, and when she does she worries constantly about the appearance and smell of them. She lived a very healthy and active life before getting sick, never once smoking a cigarette. One thing that has helped her is the normalizing of these conditions in media and society. The message that helps her, and the one that I would want my son growing up hearing, is not one of shame. It's one of empowerment and normality when it comes to having an ostomy! The stories I love seeing are ones of athletes competing with an ostomy, and ones of people having succeeded in creating a normal life for themselves. While I understand the downsides to having a colostomy bag, do we really need to send the message to children who will have them their entire lives that it means they are smelly and not socially acceptable? 

2. It gives a wrong view of what living with an ostomy looks like. I disagree with the view it gives into living with an ostomy. For this part of my post I would just like to share some pictures of what my family's experience with having them be a part of our lives has looked like. 

The goal is not to focus on the negative when it comes to these conditions, the goal is to tell the world that nothing will hold them back! The goal isn't to make them seem disgusting, it's to show that these are normal people and their disease (ostomy included) is only a small part of who they are. Having a stoma is not only a life saving measure to some people, but a way to make their lives more normal! Sometimes a disease is so bad that having a colostomy can allow them to live their lives in a normal and relatively pain free way. 

3. It's a set back in the education regarding stomas. The things I have posted about above are not represented in the commercial. What the commercial shows is not what many of those dealing with an ostomy, or their family members, want you to know. The kids going to school with these, especially, just want you to know that they are just like everybody else. They are strong and playful, and it is harmful to them when the message their classmates have been given catagorizes them as different and smelly. The ostomy community has worked hard recently with such campaigns as 'Shit Happens' to bring attention to the amazing aspects of those living with an ostomy. It's a really sad fact that some people will be basing their opinions of ostomy-life on this commercial. 

To sign a petition to remove this commercial please click here: https://www.change.org/p/centers-for-disease-control-and-prevention-remove-tobacco-colon-cancer-advertisement?recruiter=5323677&utm_source=share_petition&utm_medium=facebook&utm_campaign=share_facebook_responsive&utm_term=mob-xs-share_petition-custom_msg

My fitness journey

I've struggled with weight my entire life. I was overweight a good share of my childhood and early teen years, suddenly swinging in the other direction the summer before high school when I became anorexic. Years later during my recovery I realized how much damage I had done to my metabolism when I got into a relationship with my now husband and stopped starving myself. 

With the support of Urian I began to eat healthy amounts again. I ate fairly healthy, and while I didn't eat a ton I did eat several times a day without purging. I was so happy, and by the time he proposed in the winter I was the weight my doctors had suggested for me. I wasn't skinny anymore, but I was a healthy weight and I felt comfortable with that. When I went wedding dress shopping I fell in love with a simple, yet beautiful, dress. I was slightly smaller than the sample size it came in and was able to buy it off the rack. I had never felt more beautiful. 

Over the next few months I didn't even notice when my weight gain continued. I was eating healthy and working out, so I suppose I just didn't expect it. I only noticed when my clothes were no longer fitting well, and that's when I started feeling distressed. It was only a few months before my summer wedding at this point and the weight was refusing to come off. I struggled to continue eating healthy as I realized it would take some time before my body was back to normal and healed from my eating disorders. I almost relapsed thinking it was the only way to get my body back. The only thing that kept me from that was the knowledge that there may not be a wedding if I relapsed. 

My wedding day wasn't spent feeling beautiful and loved. I was too busy feeling embarrassed and depressed. Years later I still can't look at my wedding pictures without mourning the way I felt it should have been. I hate those pictures of me. I promised myself that some day I would lose the weight and we would have a vow renewal where I felt beautiful. A day I would be able to actually enjoy. 

Soon after that we found out I was pregnant. At first I was very depressed about it, only able to think of how much weight I was going to gain and how I would get even uglier. I did end up getting excited about being a mommy, but I continued to feel depressed about my body for the entirety of my pregnancy. I gained 20 pounds while pregnant, and I had actually lost that two weeks after giving birth. 

In becoming a mom I stopped taking care of myself almost completely. I did shower, but I didn't pay attention to my hair and I dressed only in sweats and baggy shirts. I had almost no self esteem, and in trying to distract myself from my depression and self hate I decided to pretty much just forget about myself. I didn't enjoy life at all, and after about 18 months it became clear to me that being this way was impairing the way I mothered and stopped me from being a good wife. I needed to make a change.

My change started with paying attention to the way I looked. I got a hair cut and started wearing real clothes again. I even did my makeup some days! I felt an incredible change when I started doing this, and decided to move on to the next step. I added exercise into my daily routine and the weight started coming off faster than I expected! My body had healed a lot since before my wedding,  and I felt hope again. I started feeling alive again instead of just existing. 

People I knew noticed a big difference in me, and it wasn't just my weight loss they noticed. I was told how much happier I looked, that they noticed a glow in me. Whats more is that I felt the change! I had more energy and my mood was lighter - I felt happier! 

So far I've lost about 60 pounds, and I'm not finished yet. While I'm still not at my goal, I'm not in a big hurry to finish. This is a lifestyle change I have committed to, not simply a diet. I do my best to eat as healthy as I can, and I focus on portion control. I haven't really eliminated foods from my life, I just use self control in how much of it I eat. I also enjoy exploring new and healthier foods. I found out that I really like green smoothies, almonds and vegetables! I find myself craving the healthy foods more than the unhealthy. 

I have found that it's incredibly triggering to lose weight, and I have a hard time knowing the difference between what is healthy and what isn't. I lean heavily on my doctors to let me know what weight would be healthy for my body instead of making weight goals myself. I weigh myself almost daily, and have found myself skipping meals once in a while. It's still a bit of a war between myself and my eating disorder - but it's one that I am determined to win! My goal used to be to be as small as possible, no matter what the health consequences. Now I'm working towards strength and being healthy! It's an amazing difference, and something that makes me happy. 

This is simply the beginning of my fitness journey, the first chapter that will shed light and understanding on my next posts on this subject.  I look forward to sharing this with you all!

Cleaning kitchen knives with lemon juice?

I heard about cleaning my knives with lemon juice while on a walk with a friend. She had never tried it herself which got me curious to experiment to see if it would actually work.

1. I filled a cup with lemon juice. Find a cup tall enough for your knives. I didn't have enough lemon juice to completely cover my knives, but I figured for this experiment this would be enough. 

2. Soak your knives for 5 - 10 minutes. To get the best results possible I soaked mine for 10. 

3. Scrub your knives with a scouring pad. 

Results: While this did remove some rust and brightened the knives, it was not a miracle worker. I scrubbed hard to get the results that I did. I would say that it's still worth it to remove what it does, just don't expect your knives to be looking like new again. 

It's in the little moments.

"A good life is a collection of

happy moments"

- Denis Waitley

As I looked down at my son in his crib this afternoon, watching him try to think up reasons to stall nap time, I was overcome with love for this ridiculous little guy. Once again I fell a little bit more in love with him during this simplest of times. He looked up at me while I stroked his hair, and when it looked like I was going to tell him goodnight and walk away he would quickly ask for kisses, or just say "Mamma!". This happens almost every time I put him down to sleep, yet it always fills me with the warmest of feelings. 

One of my favorite things about times like this is the power it has to change what emotions I'm feeling. The second I stare down into those eyes I can go from being worn out and frustrated at having just dealt with a temper tantrum of his, to feeling like the luckiest mom in the world. This happens many times during each day, the smallest of things that will remind me of the reasons I love him and why I do the things I do. Things that make everything worth it. The list may change day to day, but here are a few that standout to me since I became a mom two years ago.

1. Crying happy tears with my husband after he was born. They held him up for me to see for the very first time, laying him on my chest. I looked over all of his features, trying to memorize them, as quickly as I could knowing that the nursery nurses would be taking him from me too soon. After less than a minute they picked him up and rushed him over to their station that had been set up in our room. I realized I was shaking and crying, feeling the most overpowering sense of love I had ever felt in my life. I looked up at my husband who stood by my side, holding my hand. It was only then that I saw him wiping away tears. This moment shared between the two of us, the moment where we fell in love with our son, will forever be one of my favorite memories. 

2. Coming home to him. Or really any time where he sees me after any amount of seperation. No matter how long it was that we were apart, seriously even if it was just a car ride where I didn't sit next to him, he is always so ecstatic to see me. Every morning when I open his door he acts as though I'm Santa Clause! He screams my name in joy as I go to pick him up, laughing and hugging me. It's as though every time he's surprised and relieved to see me. If I ever doubt that I mean something to the world all I would need to do is get welcomed home by my son. 

3. When kisses make it all better. This kid falls several times a day, sorry for passing that gene on to you, and while most of the time he brushes it off without a second thought there are times he either gets scared or hurt. Those times when he begins to cry and I rush over to scoop him up, he holds on tight to me. I almost always remember that ouchies need kisses, but in the rare instances I forget he looks up at me with complete trust telling me 'Kisses! Kisses!' and he'll lift wherever is hurt for me to kiss. And then, just like that, he's ready to play again. Magic!

4. Wanting to show me everything. This is a bit of a double edged sword. On one side it's completely exhausting and time consuming. However, if I let myself really live in the moment and try to see the world through his eyes.... those are some of the best times. Having a toddler has meant rediscovering the world I thought I knew. It's looking at every rock, airplane, and flower like it's the most amazing wonder there has ever been. If I let myself slow down and really be with him in these moments the world becomes a more beautiful place.