To My Son

"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest."

Dear Micah,

You're only four months old right now, and you've already been through more health struggles than most adults have had. You have shown me strength when I didn't know how I would go on, and you have shown me what instant love is when I didn't understand how it would be possible. You've smiled through it all, and in that you've shown me not to dwell on the negative. 

You weren't a planned baby, but you were always a wanted and loved baby. I was so scared when I found out about you, I cried and cried wondering how we were going to take care of you. I worried that I wouldn't know the right ways to love and take care of you. Little did I know it would all happen and fall into place the instant I met you. It clicked the moment you looked into my eyes, and I knew that no matter what we would be okay. It's a good thing you gave me that confidence, too, because a couple days later I also learned what real fear was. 

Now that you've had your surgery I know even more about you. I already knew you were strong, but now I know you're determined and stubborn, just like your father and me. I know that you those traits to plow through any trial that gets in your way. This experience has taught me that love can heal, and right now, when I can't even give you the food you cry for, it's all I can do to help you through this. Thank you for letting me borrow your strength during your surgery, because I know that it wasn't my own strength. I know that you helped me through it, even as you were undergoing a very intense surgery. 

Your smile means the world to me, Micah, and even on my worst days it will make me smile through the tears. Every time you smile in your hospital bed it makes me wonder why I'm so stressed and sad about the situation. If you, the four month old baby who is in pain and in the hospital with complications, can smile then so can I. Micah, you've taught me a lot about life, and a lot about not giving things the power to ruin your day. Thank you for that. 

When I go to get food while your asleep I talk to the other families. We have it so good, my sweet baby. We have never had to talk too seriously about if you didn't make it. I feel thankful for that, and thankful for the problems we have. It could be so much worse, and yet it isn't. It's so easy to get wrapped up in your own problems and not see how good you have it. I'll take you and your Hirschsprung's any day over something that will kill you. I would take you and whatever disease you had as long as it meant that I could spend forever loving you. 

Finally, thank you for letting me be your mom. You've made me into a different person, a better person, and given me confidence in the choices I make. I've had to make so many of them when it comes to your health I can't afford to doubt them. Thank you for you cuddles and you laughs, they fill me with sunshine. Because, as I often sing to you while you're in pain and suffering, you are my sunshine. You'll always be my sunshine. 

Mommy loves you, and I always will. We'll take you however you are as long as we get to have you.

Love,

Mommy