Sunday, August 11, 2013

My Best Friend



Yesterday, as some of you know, my husband and I celebrated our first wedding anniversary. Even though it came at an incredibly stressful time, it was just nice to be with him. I would have spent the day anywhere with him as long as we were together. Since we've been together for a year, and since I'm doing this blog, I thought I would post our story.

Urian and I met in my junior year of high school. I was dating somebody else, and quite honestly I didn't have those kinds of feelings for him. Being around him, however, made me happy and boosted my self-esteem. He was so open in his feelings for me, and even though I didn't return them this made me feel good. Who doesn't like somebody who is goofy in their love for you and compliments you freely, right? No, it wasn't fair to him. I regret not setting him straight earlier than I did every day. I regret that I didn't chase after HIM, quite frankly. I was in high school girl mode, though, and my boyfriend was a handsome, athletic football player. And even though he didn't make me happy, and he never made me feel good about myself, I felt like others envied me. 

And others did envy me, they told me that they did. I was thin, I was talented on the flute, I was talented at acting, and I could make others laugh quite easily. People knew my name, and they would tell me that they envied me having such a good relationship with my boyfriend. Because in public we were an "It" couple, even if we weren't when we weren't around people. I was depressed, and even though I only weight 120 pounds (which is actually considered underweight for my bone structure, muscles, and height), I felt fat. I didn't only FEEL fat, I was told by my boyfriend that it was going to be a condition of our relationship to lose weight. 


Now, mind you, I'm no longer struggling with the things I'm about to talk about. I am a much bigger weight, and I'm actually working to lose weight because I need to. Birth control will do that to ya, mkay? I was a healthy weight and without changing my routine or what I ate I ballooned. It sucks. Anyway, the above pictures are of me my junior year, that is why they apply. 

I was frantic to lose weight, at the time. I felt absolutely huge, and even though I ran for an hour every day I felt fat and unhealthy. I started to save up my Adderall, and when I had enough of it I took 3x the dose I was on per day. I did this because it sped up my metabolism and made me not hungry. I stopped eating, and when I had to eat because my family was watching I would throw it up. I knew I had a problem, and I knew that it was wrong. Honestly, I didn't care. I didn't care one bit about the health risks or the psychological reasons. I'd been depressed for a long time, but this is when it started becoming dangerous. And my boyfriend encouraged it. 

After a few months, and when I was getting dangerously thin, the doctor who prescribed me Adderall started to notice. My blood pressure was low, and I was unsteady on my feet. When she weighed me she was shocked at the amount of weight I had lost. I told her that I was just working on increasing how far I could go when running and that I would do better at increasing my intake. I pretended to be genuinely surprised that I had lost weight, and it worked. 

This kept up for a few months more, and I got more and more sick and more and more well... unstable. I was suicidal, I was angry, I was cutting myself every night and it STILL all seemed worth it. Urian was one of the few people who noticed (or at least talked to me about it) and this made me confide in him about how I was feeling. I grew closer and closer to him in this time, and I started to have feelings for him. Feelings I was scared of having at this vulnerable time. I ran away from those feelings, and months later when my boyfriend and I broke up, I hurt Urian by dating his friend I had no feelings for. 

I have no excuse for this behavior, and I wish I could take it back. I didn't find his friend attractive at all, his kisses revolted me, and he was creepy to be honest. After one week he started talking about our future together and other marriage. It was really weird, but every time I tried to leave he would hint that he would commit suicide. I didn't want to be the cause of his death, even if I didn't love him I didn't want him... well... dead! Eventually I broke up with him and immediately called the cops telling them he was suicidal and asking them to check up on him. 

I grew more and more unstable every day, and quite honestly I drowned in my depression. I didn't want to go on, and I was honest about it to the therapist my parents were making me see (they'd gotten worried a month earlier and made me see her). My therapist was really worried, and when I refused to sign a safety contract, she told my dad it was time to take me to the hospital. She said it couldn't wait until the next day, and the next thing I knew I was in the emergency room. From the emergency room I spent over a year in a residential treatment center receiving therapy most weekdays. From this I grew more confident and learned how to deal with my depression and how to care about my health more than my weight. I was 112 pounds when I was admitted. 

I share this information in hopes that it makes parts of Urian's and mine relationship clearer, and because it really is a big part of the story. 

Over a year, maybe closer to two, after all of this happened Urian and I started talking again. Soon we were meeting up for coffee. One thing led to another, and a tickle fight led to a kiss. It was the most real, most romantic kiss I'd ever had. It was spontaneous and there was no over thinking. There was no planning to make it less special, and everything about it felt right. That moment changed us forever. We were dating in no time, and our relationship was easy and fun. 


Urian is nerdy, brilliant, funny, and very very awkward. He's not at all the person I envisioned myself marrying, but he is so much more. He proves his love for me every day, and it's the small romantic things that mean the most to me. 

After almost six months of dating, Urian proposed to me. He proposed to me in the same place we realized we needed to be together, the park where we brought our coffee and kissed for the first time. He had even asked permission from my dad to marry me. The diamond was small, but there was so many artistic details about it that made it unique and perfect. I started planning the wedding immediately for the next summer. 


He came with me to pick out my dress, and to make sure I got the one I wanted he paid for it. He bought me a beautiful necklace to go with it, and a veil. We spent every moment that we could together, and he continued to help me though things I wouldn't have gotten through without him. I learned to completely let go of everything to do with my eating disorder by leaning on him. 

Our wedding day came sooner than I thought it would. My weight had gone up because of birth control, we had it in my parent's backyard because of money (and to make my mom more comfortable. Because of her illness she doesn't have a lot of energy.), and I didn't look the way I had wanted to. I didn't care about any of those, though. Everything looked perfect to me just the way it was, because day was to join me to my best friend. It was about the commitment, and finally I didn't feel as scared and superficial. And it took an incredible amount of trust for me to walk to that alter. 


Urian was more handsome than I had ever seen him. None of the details that had gone into planning all of it mattered the moment I saw him. I didn't see the suit or the color I chose for flowers. I saw my best friend waiting for me, waiting to commit his life to me. Our wedding was the happiest day of my life up to that point. 

Everything that followed that day only added to the happiness. We found out we were pregnant, we enjoyed our time planning and enjoying the pregnancy. We found out that we would soon have a son, and we picked out names for him. We welcomed him into the world and we knew joy. 

There will never be a year quite like this one. This year has been wonderful and hard. It's been full of joy and full of trials. I've had my husband with me every step of the way, and he's taught me trust and happiness. 

There will be many more years, but this one will always stick out for what it is. A year of firsts, and a year of togetherness. 

Heres some pictures showing special moments shared between the two of us:













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