Hospital PTSD

Before Micah was born I had already had a lot of experiences with hospitals. My mom struggles with her health, and was in hospitals or flying back to the Mayo Clinic a lot of the time. It's been normal for me, just another part of life. However, when Micah was admitted into the NICU after birth I had the weird combination of heart-crumbling-numbness. 

When your child is in the hospital it's all business. You need to be able to put emotions aside to a degree and make the best decisions possible. His life depended on it, and I was pretty good at it. Things were always moving so fast, and I was always so busy being his calm and comfort, that I never really had a chance to process things and really FEEL that fear and mourn what was happening. I dealt with the feelings that were absolutely necessary and then pushed them away to deal with later. 

Now that things are slower and things aren't quite as intense these feelings have been creeping up. I'll be watching a show and be ambushed my an unexpected hospital scene, and just like that my world will crumble all over again. I feel the fear and the sadness as I hear familiar medical terms and I'll be a puddle of tears. Have you ever noticed how many hospital scenes there are in shows? Too many. 

Suddenly I understand why my mom didn't want anybody in the house watching HOUSE and E.R. when we were growing up. I understand wanting a safe place away from medical problems, how after experiencing it these 'medical mysteries' aren't entertaining. The times where Micah was first diagnosed, so many infections, and when they thought he may have cancer... these scenes haunt me now. The knowledge that losing my child has ever even been a possibility is sometimes too much to think about. 

I don't know how or when this gets better, but I do know that I've made a commitment to process these things and work through them. And, for right now, I will look at my son's smile and realize that it's okay right now, and will hopefully continue being okay.