I have decided it's time to push myself more with the blogging I do. Mainly because I write sporadically with months of time in between. I suppose I just feel like I don't have anything to write that people would be interested in. That is why I found a list of blogging challenges that I'm going to do with topics for blogging!
So here we go... *deep breath*
Today's topic is: What I've gained - and lost - by taking a risk.
When I read this the first thing that popped into my head was my recovery. When I was in treatment (for depression, self harm, eating disorders, ptsd, drug abuse, and anxiety) we were often encouraged to write pro's and con's lists for decisions we were making. So when I read what the topic was it reminded me a lot of that. For much of my stay in treatment I'm not sure I was in the right mind set to make the objective lists that they were asking for, but it is a habit that has stuck with me.
What I've lost:
My body: In recovering from my eating disorders I've put on a lot of weight. There's no other way to say it, recovery meant gaining weight. I had ignored my body for so long that I had destroyed my metabolism and my body essentially doesn't trust me (as my nutritionist put it). I get very upset because my husband will tell me that I don't eat enough, and yet it's hard to think that's true when I look in the mirror and see somebody who is overweight. I've been working on losing the weight in healthy ways, but I have a very hard time recognizing what is a healthy way to lose weight and what is not. There have been times where I have gone a day without eating, or taking too many diet pills, and I have to stop and pull myself out of that mind set. The loss of the body I once had is probably the one I mourn the most. I think about it every day, sometimes for much of the day. I know that bottom line is that the anorexia ruined my body, not recovering... but it is a difficult thing to deal with. A jump from 110 pounds (my lowest) to 200 pounds (my highest during pregnancy) is not something many people with eating disorders is comfortable with...
Friends: When you've spent years participating in self destructive behaviors it usually works out that most of your friends are doing the same things. I found that after recovery many of my friends no longer seemed excited to be around me. When we would get together they seemed uncomfortable. And then, after a while, they stopped calling or texting completely. It felt like I had done something wrong, but in reality we just didn't have much in common anymore. I remember my best friend had given me my first razor. We would show each other our scars and talk about how good it felt. We talked about how suicide made sense, and even encouraged each other with our eating disorders. After I recovered I found out that the person who had felt like a sister to me, more like another part of me than anything else, was somebody I didn't know how to talk to anymore. I still miss her.
My identity: This sounds a bit dramatic, but feels true. After I recovered I had to basically find out who I am. For many years what defined me was black clothes, depression, sad music and drugs. It also didn't help that most of the day I was either counting calories, working out, or thinking about food. I was your basic emo. When I recovered I didn't know who I was anymore. Eventually I found songs that I now relate to, and hobbies I now enjoy. The way I am with people is probably very different as well. I used to be a lot louder.... kind of everywhere. Even though I have more confidence now I did use to act more sure of myself. Now I'm probably more careful. Not exactly timid.... but not as much... well, MUCH as I was.
Coping skills: Although they were unhealthy, many of the things I was giving up were the only coping skills I knew. Whenever I felt sad or anxious those were the things that made me feel better. It took much longer than during treatment to make healthy coping skills a habit in my life. For a while I felt confused, or like a caged animal not knowing exactly what to do when I was feeling intense emotions. I knew options that I had been given, but none of them felt right so eventually after a lot of panic I would relapse into old habits. In recovery I have now found new and healthier ones.
What I've Gained
Friends: While I do have less friends than before, I have better friends now. I know these friends will support me in being healthy and happy. These are the friends that are loyal to me and care about me as a person. I'm okay with having less as long as I have them.
Peace: My mind no longer feels like it's at war with itself. I am more capable of handling the emotions I have.
Health: Well, sort of. I do still have a few health problems left over from when I was being unhealthy. Many of them, though, have either gone away or gotten a bit better with time.
My family: I know that if I was still doing the things I was then I wouldn't be able to be the wife and mother I am now. Or, possibly, at all. I know for certain I wouldn't be with the man I'm with now. And it makes it so incredibly worth it when I see my son excited to see me every morning.
My Life: When I left treatment it was against the advice of the team that I go home. I was meant to go on to a bigger hospital, and they were very sure I was going to die. They told me they were sad because they couldn't see me succeeding without further help. It took a lot of hard work, and now they are all very happy that I proved them wrong. I'm alive, and more than that I'm actually LIVING now.
My life isn't consumed with depressive thoughts and counting calories, it's filled with beautiful experiences. It's filled with my son's smile and my husband's hugs. It's filled with everyday simple things that make me so incredibly happy. I still struggle with things, my depression and eating disorders especially, but now they're in the background of my life instead of front and center. I'm able to keep those thoughts as background noise instead of the center of my life by practicing the things I learned in treatment. A lot of my healing really was time and waiting it out. Part of why recovery was so hard is because it called for a lot of inaction. When I wanted to purge or over exercise I needed to be in the moment and okay with being at peace. That was incredibly hard for me. It took over a year of feeling manic a lot of the time because I felt so lost at how to deal with emotions I was having. After a while of not doing those unhealthy things it became slightly easier to practice new and healthier coping skills. The things that felt unnatural are now second nature. It's hard every day when I feel like I physically NEED my old habits. Sometimes not doing those things feels like holding your breath for too long. Like I need them to live and be able to cope. With every passing year, though, it gets easier and easier to say no. I find new things and reasons in life to make recovery worth while. I got my life back through recovery, and I'm thankful to every person who helped and supported me along the way.
*Picture of me during treatment*
*current picture of me*
