The grass is greener on THIS side

I hear people say 'The grass is always greener on the other side'. However, when I was in the NICU with Micah, a few days after he was born, I pondered that saying. Looking around that hospital made me realize just how green my own grass was. My son, while quite ill, was born with all of his limbs. He took a breath after he was born, and we were never told that he was going to die.

Now, two years later, I realize that Micah (like most babies) is the best example I know of having a positive attitude. He continually seems unphased by much of what goes on inside of his body. His only wish in life is to move and explore, and to him there's no reason he shouldn't be able to. Unlike most of us, he doesn't let things get in his way or drag him down. Sure, when Curious George comes on the TV when he was really wanting to watch Sesame Street he gets a little upset. But how would it be to have so many health problems and trials in life, yet to have the attitude that the worst thing going on in that moment is that Elmo isn't singing?

When Micah was in the NICU I will overcome with worry for his health, and grief for the situation. It was easy to feel down while basically living at the hospital and seeing him so sick under the lights. Micah, however, was one of the happiest babies I had ever seen. I had never realized how much personality a newborn could have until I was his mom. He had a surgery which confirmed the news that he had Long Segment Hirschsprung's Disease, yet a few days after the painful surgery in which he received his colostomy he smiled his very first smile. This is when I basically kicked myself in the butt and felt so incredibly stupid for focusing on so many negative things. After all, he was the one going through all of the pain and being effected first hand. If he was strong enough and determined enough to be such a happy baby, then what right did I have to let this diagnosis consume us?

He came home from the hospital when he was a month old. Much of my time was spent researching his disease, and figuring out the very best way to care for him. Hirschsprung's Disease was such a big part of my life during this time. Micah, on the other hand, didn't even seem to notice the intestine that was sticking out from his abdomen. He did all of the things normal babies do, and loved seeing and exploring everything he could. All through those months of having skin ulcers, failure to thrive, and serious infections, he smiled. He didn't seem to have any comprehension of the many health trials he continually had. In fact, the only thing he disliked in life was bath time. Typical boy.

Time for surgery rolled around, and while he didn't enjoy any of the procedures that came with being in the hospital he never seemed to dwell on them. He would be unhappy and cry in pain when things were happening, yet as soon as they were over he would be smiling again. One night his heart monitor started going crazy as he lay happily in the crib. He was so calm and happy the nurses thought it must be a monitor problem, it took them listening to his heart and calling in doctors to even be convinced there was a problem. Of course, when they realized something actually was happening they did get very serious and worried for him - but because he was so content it took a while. All during the EKGs and his heart rate climbing to 311 he simply coo'ed and laid in his crib.

Skipping ahead to more recent events, Micah has had 8 confirmed cases of enterocolitis in his 2 years of life. Colitis is an extremely painful, very dangerous problem. The most recent time it was hard to get him diagnosed because he would be screaming in agony, and then by the time we would get him to the hospital the pain had subsided just enough for him to be his playful little self. He would literally be in the emergency room with a bloated belly, throwing up everything, and at the same time he would be watching tv and playing. We were told multiple times that he was much too happy to have enterocolitis. This all ended in him becoming seriously ill, with an alkeline phosophate level in the thousands, with a huge stomach. We went in for an appointment with our regular surgeon and he was lethargic, throwing up, flushed cheeks and unresponsive when touched and spoken to. She hospitalized him immediately upon seeing him, yet that same night nurses were commenting on how happy he was. Throughout his week long stay I had to repeatedly be his advocate when surgeons (ones who weren't his regular assigned surgeon) would take one look at him and say he wasn't sick enough to be hospitalized. I would have to point out his lab work and explain his personality before they would agree he needed to be there. It was exhausting racing to the hospital early each morning, needing to be there before the surgeons did their rounds to assure he wouldn't be released prematurely as he had been for the past month.

Even today, as I spend over an hour on the phone with the surgeons office trying to get answers for why several times a week he'll refuse a meal and then scream until his face is bright red, unable to pass stool until pressure has built and he's doubled over with cramps. I speak on the phone while he dances to the music playing on Elmo in Grouchland, seemingly unaware that anything is wrong in the world. Because Micah lives in the moment in ways I can only dream of and work towards. 

 I don't mean this to come across as though Micah is always perfectly and incredibly joyous. He does have his struggles, and like anybody he feels pain and reacts to it. Micah has struggles I can't even comprehend, because I have been blessed enough not to have these problems in my own body. There are times I cry because he's in such obvious pain and I feel helpless with no way to take it away. My point in writing this post is that, yes Micah has incredible trials in life - but those struggles are not what define him. He doesn't LET his physical setbacks define him. He shows me every day that we are all much more than the cards we are dealt. Micah isn't Hirschsprung's Disease. Micah is pure energy and curiosity. He is strength and laughter, somebody who loves it when other people laugh. He's the little boy who calls me mom and will stop playing just to come and give me kisses. He's inspiration, a little boy who sees the world as a magical happy place instead of letting any bad experiences he's had cloud his vision. When I sing 'You Are My Sunshine' to him at night, there are no truer words. Micah is pure sunshine.

I wonder at what age it is we start to let negativity consume our worlds? When is it that instead of noticing all of the wonderful things in life, we instead dwell on the few bad things?

When I grow up I want to be like Micah. Living in the moment, and letting each trial pass naturally without holding on to them. Knowing pain, but choosing joy. What an amazing way to live that would be.