Late Nights With Micah

A letter to my son. 

Micah, 

Some days you are difficult, but you always have a reason. The things we have to do to get you better sometimes make me want to cry. I know they hurt you, and I don't want to do them. I wish everything in your body was as perfect as you are. It's hard knowing that you don't understand, and when you look up at me like I've betrayed you it hurts me so so much. I know that there is no way to explain what we do to you, I just have to make up for it with extra cuddles. I hope one day you understand better that we aren't doing it to hurt you. 

Today when mommy had to dilate you, you screamed and screamed. I tried so hard to be gentle, but there's no denying that it hurts you. It helps you, though. After I was done you were able to go potty and your stomach was no longer as distended and hard! You felt so much better, but I could tell that your bum was still sore. While doing it you looked up at me with so much hurt and confusion in your eyes that I cried while I was finishing up. 

I wish you understood. I know one day you will. 

The best part of today was after you were able to go potty you forgave me with the biggest smile you had all day. It makes this all worth while.

I know my thoughts in this letter are scattered, but sometimes it's hard for mommy to get the words in order the same way they feel inside. One day, maybe, I'll be able to tell you better how all of this was for you and me and daddy, but today my thoughts are all over the place. I know you'll understand.

The only thing you really need to know is that mommy loves you more than life itself. I will always do what is best for you, even though it's hard for me. I will always wish you didn't have to go through this. I would take it all on myself if I could without giving it a second thought. One day I'll be able to tell you this and maybe you'll understand. 

For now, though, mommy will be strong for you when you're sad and hurting. Because that's what mommy can do to make it better... or at least not any worse.