4 Years of Sobriety

"Strength doesn't come from what you CAN do, 

It comes from OVERCOMING things you 

once thought you couldn't."

On August 3, 2014 I celebrated my 4 years of sobriety! I've been reflecting a lot on my journey to get here, and thought that I would share some of it. 

I've written and rewritten this trying to figure out exactly how much of my story I'm ready to share with the world and realized 4 years later I'm not ready for everybody to know the details of the darkest time of my life. There are some things that I can share, though.

In the beginning I thought that Adderall would make me smarter, thinner, and better in every way. And, for a while, it did. I got good grades and I lost weight. I even made more friends than I had before starting. It didn't take long, however, for me to lose everything. I developed an eating disorder, I started self-harming, and I went into a deep depression. I got angry and frustrated with school and stopped going to most of my classes. I sunk into a depression so deep that I didn't want to live anymore. I attempted suicide several times, and have been told by doctors I really shouldn't be here anymore. I was obsessed with the idea of being the best, but it's hard to accomplish things when you aren't able to think straight. 

Nobody knew about my drug use, but it's hard to hide an eating disorder and how depressed I was so I ended up being put into a treatment center. I had a real prescription for adderall, so for about a month I was able to get my prescribed amount while there. However, fearing that it may be feeding my eating disorder they ended up taking me off of it. So for a long time I would sneak it in, getting sober enough to pass tests after home visits. Instead of working on my problems as much as I should have been it became mostly about how I could hide it. I wasn't getting necessarily getting 'high' while in treatment, but felt I couldn't getting completely sober. I would maintain myself on drugs and work on my other problems. 

I was let out of treatment after about 9 months and put into a girls home because my treatment team didn't feel like I could succeed at home. I was seeing the same therapist and saw her about once a week.     

   

However, without a prescription for adderall it was becoming hard to maintain and I had already decided to start using again. I started doing heavier drugs during this time, and was only able to stay out of treatment for two months. I got put back in on Christmas Eve. I had started self-harming again and not eating. This time when I went back in, though, I admitted to using drugs. I finally started working on what was the missing piece in my treatment. I got out of treatment shortly before my 18th birthday, and went home this time against the wishes of my doctors. They were pushing for me to go into the state hospital for further treatment, but I was able to convince my family that I would do fine at home.
Recovery at home wasn't easy. I started seeing a terrible therapist who didn't believe in eating disorders and told me I needed to pray more. I felt like I would die without drugs. Every day was a struggle to even get out of bed and function. Some days I wasn't able to get out of bed at all. I felt like I would die without it, but knew the depression from before. I knew the misery and loneliness I felt while using and felt that I would rather die than use. That is not to say that I didn't relapse at all. Recovery wasn't just a point in my life where it was clear and I just did it. I relapsed several times after treatment. Every time I knew I could die, but it was the only way of life that I knew. Drugs, my eating disorder, and self harm was all I knew for handling emotions. It takes a while to grow out of that. 

All I can say now is that it has been worth it in every single way to get sober. Overcoming these things was the hardest thing I have every had to do. Some days I still think about them, and it is still a struggle. I owe it to myself and my family to stay sober. I started dating my now husband when I was a year sober, and he has been with me through these struggles. It hasn't been easy for either of us, and I am thankful every day for the things he has helped me with. We have the most amazing little boy, and looking into his face I know I owe it to him to give him a mom who is there in every way for him. I can't do that when caught up in illness. Love for my family has finally pulled me completely away from this lifestyle. I'm a bigger weight than I want to be and instead of doing the things I thought I would be for now I am a stay at home mom, but the funny thing about it is that I'm happier than ever. Recovery didn't look like what I thought it would, but it's beautiful and worth it. 

I know this blog post is kind of chunky and parts don't flow well, it was hard to put into words my memories in a way I was comfortable with. I knew I wanted to share, just not exactly how or what I would share. Thank you for taking the time to read this. 

A Good Year

"You are BRAVER than you believe and STRONGER than you seem..." - Winnie The Pooh

  It's been about a year since Micah's surgery. There have been highs and there have been lows, but all in all things are so much better. Micah healed like a champion, and he grew like a weed! I remember last year, when Hirschsprung's Disease was such a huge part of our lives. I never thought that there would be a day that it wouldn't be the biggest part of every day, and yet here we are. So much has changed, and so much is better. 

Micah's Health Now:

If I could see Micah today while I was anticipating his surgery I wouldn't be nearly as worried about things. Last year I felt like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders. I was told that this surgery would not 'cure' his Hirschsprung's, and doctors even warned that the cons may outweigh the pros in the end. We were told that the surgery may cause more problems than it solved, and even that it could all be for nothing and that we could end up back here when Micah was an older child or teenager to have them give him a colostomy again. It's pretty hard to move ahead with a surgery and feel optimistic about it after hearing those things, but after the surgeons would give us these warnings and crush any optimism we had for the surgery they would always suggest we move ahead with it anyway. I'm happy that our surgeon has always been very honest with us and given us these warnings, and I know we can't really know for sure what his life will be like in the future because at the moment he is still in diapers. We can't know if leaking will effect his life so much that it wont be worth not having an ostomy. What we do know is that, for now, we consider the surgery a success. We are able to take Micah places without the fear we used to have that his bag would leak everywhere and we would have to run home, or even worse - try to attempt an ostomy change in public. We are able to take Micah to the store, to church, and even on play dates! It feels like a miracle that I can just walk out the door with him and take him places without being a nervous wreck! We no longer have to hold him down while he screams in pain to change his ostomy, we don't have to stress and fighting ostomy changes would bring, and best of all Micah started growing and developing his skills SO much faster than he had while he had an ostomy. He refused to do tummy time with a stoma, yet after healing from his surgery being on his stomach became his favorite position. Which made him stronger, and while he was a little behind on things like sitting up, crawling and walking he eventually got stronger and stronger and accomplished them all! Now Micah runs! There are digestive struggles, and now at 17 months he eats an assortment of some solids, formula, and purees. He does struggle with dumping, but that would be a problem with a colostomy as well. He is signed up to start a bowel management program in September, and hopefully they will be able to help us understand his digestion better than we do at the moment. 

Micah also still struggles with his heart problems, but since they upped his dose to significant amounts of his medication a couple months ago he hasn't had as many problems. We are still hoping that he will outgrow these problems, but the cardiologist says that the chances are fairly slim now and he will likely need the surgery. They are hoping to wait as long as possible now that he is responding to the medications better. It will be much safer to do the surgery when he is a bit older and weighs quite a bit more. 

And now, because Micah is so much more than his health problems....

Who Micah Is Now:

Micah is 17 months old, and runs almost everywhere. He has a lot of days where he is very cautious and is only happy sitting on my lap getting cuddles, but he is also coming out of his shell more. He has days where he runs all day long and is VERY vocal. I try to get him around other toddlers his age, and because I serve in nursery on Sundays at church he comes with me. I've noticed it help him a lot to be around other toddlers. He still doesn't like it if I go too far out of his sight, but now instead of crying and being terrified he will simply follow me most times. This makes cooking dinner a lot easier. He babbles a lot and can now say: Mama, Dada, Nana (my mom), yea, see, hi, no, up, Daisy, duck, and numnum. He blows kisses and pretends to talk on the phone all of the time. He recently started dancing, he loves when people clap and will clap along. His favorite book is 'Snuggle Puppy'. He is a complete Grandad's boy, and even had a sleepover with Grandad and Nana while Urian and I had an anniversary weekend. He has had two haircuts and is now due for his third. He loves all animals. In June we took our first vacation with him. He acts a lot like mommy and looks a lot like daddy. He is perfect. 

In short, none of his diagnosis has really held him back. He is  Mommy's Superhero!